Just so EVERYONE knows, where I used to write is NOT ME writing there now. It's someone jumping at the chance to use an abandoned URL.
On another note, I don't know how I ever existed without my iPhone, seriously. If you don't have one, you're so missing out! And if you haven't started playing Draw Something, you're missing out on some good dorky laughter. I totally waste too much time on my phone. But I'm okay with that.
This morning I was absolutely thrilled to hear Linkin Park's new release because I had no idea they had anything new coming soon. Yay!!!
I hope this little note finds everyone in their own happy versions of personal bliss. Peace to all.
changing directions
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Friday, January 6, 2012
changing directions
Last month I didn't know what I was going to do with this space. I suppose I still don't really know but I've made some pretty drastic changes and feel better about it now.
~
So I was running at the gym tonight, completely focused on my breathing and intently staring at a brick on the church across the street in order to keep my balance when, out of the corner of my eye, I saw the sun had set and the pink residue it had left behind. For some strange reason, it brought up the dramatic experience I'd had earlier in the week when I was in Hallmark trying to find the right birthday card. After looking at a few cards, I picked one up that I probably shouldn't have... and I had an emotional reaction. And as I was remembering this moment and the deep seeded response associated with it, while I was running, this gigantic wave of sadness stole my breath and forced me to stop. I felt like such a fool, people on all sides of me getting their workouts on as I had a meltdown in the middle of another public space but what could I do? Everything occurred in such rapid sequence that I realized I'm the only one holding myself accountable and I need to get my head out of my ass. What better way than to face things head on.
What do I do with this blog… My life has changed and I have no choice but to roll with it instead of going backwards. To be honest, I'm lacking mojo and enthusiasm and am super glad I don't have to pretend anymore for the sake of the blog. Rather than avoid writing altogether, I've just decided to change directions. Disappointing as it may be, it's just how it is. My life is ordinary now and my imagination is depressed these days. I don't really have a direction yet but I'm officially relieving myself of sex/bdsm topics and sticking to my bland reality.
What do I do with my nipple piercings… I’ve always had trouble with one of them. It’s never really healed and even if it's not giving me issues, it's always overly sensitive. I like the way they look but I'm on the fence about taking them out. I remove them for the MRIs that I have but recently had such a hard time getting the one back in that I contemplated giving up. I somehow managed to push it back through but paid a price for nearly two weeks. What happens if I let them heal and then decide I want them back..? I do not want to go through that process again! I suppose this is a no-win decision at this point and not really important in the grand scheme of things.
What do I do with my life… I'm typical working class America although I can say my job is stable, the outlook is good, and it has fantastic benefits with extra special perks. But it's not satisfying, I'm not happy, and I'm bored as hell. I used to thrive on the philosophy that everything is tolerable if you're happy but have realized that when you're not happy, pretending you are is a miserable experience for you and everyone around you.
Yeah.
This IS a big decision and not to be made without ample thought as I may have done in the past. I suppose saying you want happiness for yourself and everyone around you is a lost cause because it will never happen but is making a huge move smart or dumb these days? Given the temperamental economy as compared to my professional stability and positive long-term outlook, should I risk what I do have chasing what I do not? It always turns full circle and frustrates me when I begin agonizing over the fact that there is no way in hell I can do this for thirty-nine more years. Every year I settle for the sake of a stable paycheck is another year wasted, I understand that, but how do you know what to do and how to do it when you don't know what it is or where exactly you want to be?
That's what I'm trying to figure out. It's all a bit frustrating right now.
~
So I was running at the gym tonight, completely focused on my breathing and intently staring at a brick on the church across the street in order to keep my balance when, out of the corner of my eye, I saw the sun had set and the pink residue it had left behind. For some strange reason, it brought up the dramatic experience I'd had earlier in the week when I was in Hallmark trying to find the right birthday card. After looking at a few cards, I picked one up that I probably shouldn't have... and I had an emotional reaction. And as I was remembering this moment and the deep seeded response associated with it, while I was running, this gigantic wave of sadness stole my breath and forced me to stop. I felt like such a fool, people on all sides of me getting their workouts on as I had a meltdown in the middle of another public space but what could I do? Everything occurred in such rapid sequence that I realized I'm the only one holding myself accountable and I need to get my head out of my ass. What better way than to face things head on.
What do I do with this blog… My life has changed and I have no choice but to roll with it instead of going backwards. To be honest, I'm lacking mojo and enthusiasm and am super glad I don't have to pretend anymore for the sake of the blog. Rather than avoid writing altogether, I've just decided to change directions. Disappointing as it may be, it's just how it is. My life is ordinary now and my imagination is depressed these days. I don't really have a direction yet but I'm officially relieving myself of sex/bdsm topics and sticking to my bland reality.
What do I do with my nipple piercings… I’ve always had trouble with one of them. It’s never really healed and even if it's not giving me issues, it's always overly sensitive. I like the way they look but I'm on the fence about taking them out. I remove them for the MRIs that I have but recently had such a hard time getting the one back in that I contemplated giving up. I somehow managed to push it back through but paid a price for nearly two weeks. What happens if I let them heal and then decide I want them back..? I do not want to go through that process again! I suppose this is a no-win decision at this point and not really important in the grand scheme of things.
What do I do with my life… I'm typical working class America although I can say my job is stable, the outlook is good, and it has fantastic benefits with extra special perks. But it's not satisfying, I'm not happy, and I'm bored as hell. I used to thrive on the philosophy that everything is tolerable if you're happy but have realized that when you're not happy, pretending you are is a miserable experience for you and everyone around you.
Yeah.
This IS a big decision and not to be made without ample thought as I may have done in the past. I suppose saying you want happiness for yourself and everyone around you is a lost cause because it will never happen but is making a huge move smart or dumb these days? Given the temperamental economy as compared to my professional stability and positive long-term outlook, should I risk what I do have chasing what I do not? It always turns full circle and frustrates me when I begin agonizing over the fact that there is no way in hell I can do this for thirty-nine more years. Every year I settle for the sake of a stable paycheck is another year wasted, I understand that, but how do you know what to do and how to do it when you don't know what it is or where exactly you want to be?
That's what I'm trying to figure out. It's all a bit frustrating right now.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Thank You
It's been awhile and I still can't think of anything positive or hopeful to say. In my time away, I've realized I have no idea what I'm doing or which way is up and I probably should know these two things before I think about hosting any more blogs. There's not much light shining in on me these days so I figured staying quiet was best practice. At one time, it seemed having a blog might be a good idea but now, I'm writing and keeping it private. I don't know the fate of this blog but chances are this is the final resting point. I want to thank you: I sincerely appreciate the kindness, support, and warmth many of you have extended to me along the way. I'm just not so sure there's anything left for me to say here.
If you haven't heard this one yet, here it is because I like it.
I hope everyone has a very happy holiday season and a wonderful new year. It's a fresh start and 365 days to make a change, make a difference, take charge of our destiny and be the important. The only time we are guaranteed to have is this moment and it sounds so simple but think about it for a second. Life goes by in a blink of an eye and yet we spend our time and energy on things that are not always important to us. We waste our time. Since the only time we have is right now, we should make sure we're using our right now in the ways we truly want - by being the important. That's my goal for 2012 - I will be the important.
The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.
-Ernest Hemingway
If you haven't heard this one yet, here it is because I like it.
I hope everyone has a very happy holiday season and a wonderful new year. It's a fresh start and 365 days to make a change, make a difference, take charge of our destiny and be the important. The only time we are guaranteed to have is this moment and it sounds so simple but think about it for a second. Life goes by in a blink of an eye and yet we spend our time and energy on things that are not always important to us. We waste our time. Since the only time we have is right now, we should make sure we're using our right now in the ways we truly want - by being the important. That's my goal for 2012 - I will be the important.
The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.
-Ernest Hemingway
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
my new place
I know there are probably lots of questions and things people want to know but I'm firmly establishing right here and now that anything that I may have written by any other name no longer exists and I have nothing to say about anything. Wasn't sure I would or even if I should start blogging again but made a decision that writing is a form of therapy for me and I really need that outlet.
I tend to be a guarded, private, and solitary person and blogging allows me the anonymity to be honest, open, and unguarded (with the hopes that someone else understands or identifies with me or can validate me while validating themselves). And it's not like I can talk about my fantasies with my inner circle without their eyebrows raising and faces grimacing because they just cannot understand what it's like to be a submissive woman with all these depraved thoughts and desires following me around every corner, day after day.
So... here I am. Back to blogging, sorta. I don't have much to say.
So... I don't know what direction this blog will take, whether it will have any longevity or depth because life is a whole lot less exciting these days. I want to thank EVERYONE who, in their own way and by any means, sent well wishes despite my disappearance over the last few months. It goes without saying, but thank you.
So here is the first post in my new place with my new identity that means 'ray of light' because I find affinity with the warmth, the light, and the promise of the sun.
I tend to be a guarded, private, and solitary person and blogging allows me the anonymity to be honest, open, and unguarded (with the hopes that someone else understands or identifies with me or can validate me while validating themselves). And it's not like I can talk about my fantasies with my inner circle without their eyebrows raising and faces grimacing because they just cannot understand what it's like to be a submissive woman with all these depraved thoughts and desires following me around every corner, day after day.
So... here I am. Back to blogging, sorta. I don't have much to say.
So... I don't know what direction this blog will take, whether it will have any longevity or depth because life is a whole lot less exciting these days. I want to thank EVERYONE who, in their own way and by any means, sent well wishes despite my disappearance over the last few months. It goes without saying, but thank you.
So here is the first post in my new place with my new identity that means 'ray of light' because I find affinity with the warmth, the light, and the promise of the sun.
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