Tuesday, June 19, 2012

decisions, decisions, decisions

So... my surgery is coming up and I'm entering a state of anxiety and fear that I haven't experienced in a long, long time. It was supposed to happen last week but I canceled; I'd cancel again if I didn't worry that the surgeon I chose would refuse to treat me. I was secretly hoping to catch a cold but I didn't, of course. I'll manage, because I am strong, but that doesn't mean I'm not scared. I am, quite a lot, actually.

I think it's more about having to depend on others (which I absolutely hate) rather than being in pain. The pain of physical therapy on a shoulder whose muscles have fused around a joint that constantly dislocates is some of the worst I've EVER had (not the worst, note) but it's the humiliation and helplessness of having to rely on others for silly things I can't do myself while in recovery. It's quite humbling having to ask your friends for help washing your hair, fastening your bra, driving you here and there, opening pill & wine bottles... I'm used to being the one helping others, not the one needing help so it's very uncomfortable for me to change roles and feels like an entire identity shift... again.

In other news, I'm most likely going to branch out from here to another location. Unlike mistakes I've made in the past, I'm not recruiting anyone and I'm not linking here. I will be writing openly. The good stuff.

I'm also 50-50 as to whether or not I'm going to dye my hair back to black. It wasn't anything I ever thought I'd reconsider but I feel more like "me" with black hair than I do with my hair au natural, if that makes sense. While I'm in a drug induced haze (secretly plotting for Demerol), random things seem like "bright ideas" and I'm hoping that decisions like dying my hair and new blog identity will be made. Here's hoping that all goes well.

Thanks again for all the comments and emails of support!!

Be well and be happy.


  1. fingers crossed for a speedy recovery!
    Being dependent on others will only be for the shortest time, so try to focus on all that you will be able to do once again when you are healed :)

    look forward to reading more at your new location :)

  2. If ever you move on please invite me. I'd send you my email address if you would.

  3. Never ever one to proofread you, but did you mean "humiliation and helplessness", which might work better than humility.


  4. Hi hon, Seeker here. So sorry to hear about your surgery--I just checked here on the off chance that you'd posted, and there you were! But oh, such decisions. You're strong, you can do this. By the way, I'm in Florida too, and if you relocate here, I'll help in any way I can. :)

    Be well, and good luck with this surgery! Don't let fear be the obstacle. Use it as a lever.

  5. Thanks for the well wishes. And thanks for correcting my grammar, Swordfish. I've been distracted, to say the least.

    I am moving where I write, that's a fact. If you want to know where I'm going, you'll have to send me an email so I can keep you updated.

  6. Good luck with your surgery & wishing you a speedy recovery from Chicago. I would love to follow you at your new writing location. You have my email :) Please add me to the list. You will be great!!!

  7. Best wishes on a speedy recovery!

  8. I wish you all the best in the surgery.


  9. It does sound scary, but doctors are very good at what they do. Everything will go as well as possible, I'm sure! If you can't even sleep you don't have much of a choice. I can totally sympathize with how hard it is to let people take care of you when you're injured. The sooner you do it the sooner it will get better though. Maybe not 100% like it was (my injury is the same) but muuuch better than it is now. I'm so glad you are ready to start writing again!!!! I already sent you an email requesting the new location.