So... my surgery is coming up and I'm entering a state of anxiety and fear that I haven't experienced in a long, long time. It was supposed to happen last week but I canceled; I'd cancel again if I didn't worry that the surgeon I chose would refuse to treat me. I was secretly hoping to catch a cold but I didn't, of course. I'll manage, because I am strong, but that doesn't mean I'm not scared. I am, quite a lot, actually.
I think it's more about having to depend on others (which I absolutely hate) rather than being in pain. The pain of physical therapy on a shoulder whose muscles have fused around a joint that constantly dislocates is some of the worst I've EVER had (not the worst, note) but it's the humiliation and helplessness of having to rely on others for silly things I can't do myself while in recovery. It's quite humbling having to ask your friends for help washing your hair, fastening your bra, driving you here and there, opening pill & wine bottles... I'm used to being the one helping others, not the one needing help so it's very uncomfortable for me to change roles and feels like an entire identity shift... again.
In other news, I'm most likely going to branch out from here to another location. Unlike mistakes I've made in the past, I'm not recruiting anyone and I'm not linking here. I will be writing openly. The good stuff.
I'm also 50-50 as to whether or not I'm going to dye my hair back to black. It wasn't anything I ever thought I'd reconsider but I feel more like "me" with black hair than I do with my hair au natural, if that makes sense. While I'm in a drug induced haze (secretly plotting for Demerol), random things seem like "bright ideas" and I'm hoping that decisions like dying my hair and new blog identity will be made. Here's hoping that all goes well.
Thanks again for all the comments and emails of support!!
Be well and be happy.